Little Insignificant Me

Isn’t it beautiful that God desires to be with us? That he wants it to be Him and us alone? If only our lives would scream, “as the deer pants for the water, so my soul longs for you.” To this I imagine him saying, “so come to me my child, for you are dearly loved. Why do you search for what is not bread and does not satisfy?”

God is a God of abundance. He is our generous provider. There is, there must be, so much more in Him than He can give us, because we are so sleepy and because our capacity is so pitifully small. I love Frank C. Laubach’s question in “Letters by a Modern Mystic”-- “God what have you to put into my mind now if only I can be large enough?” I know. There’s poverty, perversion, exploitation, death, sickness and the list continues. I can’t make sense of the unhappiness around me, but I can make sense of the joy inside of me. And I can tell you one thing—it does not come from anything that can be taken away from me.

As Paul says in Philippians, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength”. We live our lives trying to control certain aspects of life without ever fully succeeding. We were not meant to be, but to be WITH. As Noah Latham once put it, it should be God first, then God and Family, then God and friends, and so on according to your priority list. Allowing everything and everyone to be a part of you and God. Not the other way around.   

Sometimes we think God doesn’t notice suffering because He isn’t in some miraculous way doing away with all evil/suffering, but He IS aware of our suffering. He has gifted us this world and he WILL work, but he wants to work through us, because in the end it’s us who will be accountable. To him and this earth. So he waits until we are at his disposition to allow him to work. Just how he waited until Moses turned to the bush before speaking to him on mount Sinai. Except more often than not, we are too busy being busy, and since God isn’t ending suffering without us, we feel we need to end suffering without him. Perhaps if we realize he wants to work through us, us and Him together, we could trust he understands the suffering of this world. And as a result, feel less pressure and more joy in working with him, rather than FOR him.

Little insignificant me can’t stop human trafficking, poverty, hunger, AIDS, suicides, murders, painful words, painful thoughts, or any other aspect of pain. But I’m okay with that, because I wish not to have control, but to allow the spirit of Christ to have control over me. I want to see a reflection of Christ when I stare into my eyes in the mirror and pray that my soul would never stop trusting that HE is enough. 

Muay Thai Boxing: In It For The Sweat, Not The Blood

It all began when I realized that in terms of working out, I needed that extra motivation I had back home with Cross Fit--the accountability of someone expecting me to be at the same place, same time, every day to sweat off some calories. I live in a really small town and had given up on the idea of finding any sort of accountability, when I found Mr. Sorn. A man who has to be in his late 50’s, early 60’s, and who multitasks training me and watching his food cart by the road. We train on a patch of grass in front of the clinic by the main road, and the sand bag hangs from a tree just a few feet from the patch of grass.

In all honesty, Mr. Sorn often stresses me out more than he helps me get rid of my stress, with his making fun of my flinching when he pretends to hit me, and his enjoyment of showing me, “the farang (westerner)”, off to local old ladies walking by. Who either encourage me to “take him” or shake their head in disapproval. “Why is your name Flor?” he asks. “Why couldn’t it be Johnny or Abbey? Why?” Are questions he often likes to ask me. Or, “why aren’t you kicking higher?” despite my 5’2 height. All questions I can’t technically answer.

According to his timeline, I’ll be ready for a fight a month from now. “After one month, you, madam, same, same”, he says. To which I answer with a glare and a shake of the head. I can see how participating in a live fight would teach me how to actually apply what I’ve learned to a real life situation, but I’m in it for the sweat, not the blood. I would much rather stick to Mr. Sorn’s made up role-plays where he pretends to be a drunk man trying to take my money, and I swiftly knock his pretend knife out of his hand as I knock him to the ground.

My decision to decline any chance at a live fight was proven wise last Tuesday, when Mr. Sorn took Kendra (another ETA) and I to a fight in a neighboring town. I thoroughly enjoyed watching the opening routine of the fight, but could not imagine myself continuing past the Muay Thai opening dance. The fighting is quite intense to say the least, and I can’t picture myself taking someone’s face to my knee (or vice-versa), for money. Nonetheless, while it’s quite violent in the ring and I want no part in that, it’s been a great workout by Mr. Sorn’s food cart.  

                                           Me putting flowers on a fighter before the fight.

                                                        First and second place fighters. 

                        Becca got me Thai boxing shorts for our secret turkey gift exchange! 

My Home Away From Home

                                                           This is my home for a year.

When I first arrived in Thailand, I knew I would miss home. Part of me already did. Perhaps it was because I knew how good what I was leaving behind was, and had yet to learn how good what was waiting for me in Thailand would be. Don’t get me wrong, I wish teleporting home were possible, and for every fun experience I have three cultural frustrations. However, I quickly figured out that leaving was harder than actually being here. In the short 2 ½ months that I have been here, the people around me have beyond blessed me. They have showed me a love and support I didn’t expect. So while I look forward to my return to America, home is where I am for the time being.